David Duchovny recently announced that he will be going to rehab for a sex addiction.

I like sex. With women. 

Ok, so you’ve got an addiction. Good. Great. Wonderful… but really though? You have an addiction to sex? Dude, you have to get back to reality here.

I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. - Chazz Michael Michaels

First of all you are a male, and men in general are sex addicts. We can’t avoid it, it’s not like there’s actually a good angel and bad angel sitting on our shoulders telling us what to do. It’s more like there is a hard-on in our pants just waiting for the next attractive female to come along and suck it.

Second, he is a celebrity. Do you know how easy it must be for a celebrity to get chicks? Women must be asking to give him head every other minute. They will have sex with him just to say they did it, that’s how easy it is as a celebrity. So who can really blame the guy? He’s got women crawling all over him, all the time. He plays a damn “sex addict” on his show Californication. There’s no way for him to get caught – unless of course he goes out and says - I’m a sex addict. I need rehab (for sex). Sorry children, but I cheat on your mom all the time (and love it) – So who can really blame him? 

Ok, Ok. So women feel sorry for his wife, who has to deal with a sex addicted husband. I understand that. Until I realize that it’s just a ridiculous statement! Here’s the thing - ALL MEN ARE SEX ADDICTS!!

Come on people - Men. Enjoy. Sex.

And if there are women around a man all the time - a man who is having fake sex on film with hot, young, sexual women - he will most likely be inclined to sleep with them, especially when they all want the same thing. 

Here is a link to an article about Duchovny’s “addiction”

Here is the description on imdb:

Trailer Park Boys is about life between prison terms. Always trying to play the angles, always done-in by forces beyond their control, and always in the middle of a gunfight, Ricky and Julian are decent, hard- working guys trying to cope with the New World Economic Order. It’s not that the boys don’t know right from wrong, it’s just that “right” rarely presents itself. 

Trailer Park Boys is a new series about love, friends and family-or perhaps it’s about everything that can go wrong with love, friends and family. At the centre of Trailer Park Boys are Ricky (Robb Wells) and Julian (John Paul Tremblay), two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids - stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen. The Boys have had their share of trouble with the law. Most of their adult lives have been spent behind bars of one kind or another. In fact, as this inaugural season begins, both Ricky and Julian are just getting out of jail. They blame each other for this most recent incarceration and, now, as Julian prepares to start all over again, he refuses to talk to Ricky. Julian wants and tries throughout the series to go straight - but old habits die hard. And that’s just fine with Ricky. :

Rickyisms

This particular awards post is inspired by husbands who make their wives handle the brunt of the labor.

1. Man makes wife carry the case of beer.

Too tired to carry the beer? You take the sixer she takes the case.

2. Man makes wife carry all the days clippings.

Want a cigarette? Let her do the carrying.

3. Man carries wives in back of tractor.

She wants to go somewhere? Let her ride in the back of the tractor.

Sleazy men are society’s unsung hero - No cares in the world, No appreciation of women, and No style or class - this is what I call living. At the center of every man’s personality is a sleazy / creepy old man waiting to be released. All the truest feelings in a man are shown in every creepster out there. So next time you walk down the street, or are in a bar, and see an old man, without a care in the world, hitting on a girl who could be his grandchild, just smile and say “I like your style dude!”

Now you might be saying, “how do release this inner sleazeball?” Well just so happens that I have ten rules you can live by when attempting to be a sleaze:

1. Take it when you can get it:

Be easy… sexually. When judging a woman, always go by the number system, but remember - two 5’s equals a 10!

2. Over the top, fake smile:

If you really want to be a creep, stick with your guns, the fake smile never fails.

3. Make your hair intentional:

Greasy, comb-over, rat-tail or spiked - Take your pick, but make sure whatever you’ve got you had every intention of having it. There is nothing more sleazy than a gross haircut that is intentional. In addition, make sure to grow a mustache or 5 o’clock shadow, these show extra effort (and that you mow box).

4. Make sure you’ve got the right outfit

A wife beater is a good article, always have a beer in hand, and some people can even get away with excessive bling.

5. Be an asshole:

Attitude is key, and an asshole is the winner of the sleazy competition. Talk about yourself and no-one else, Play guitar (badly) just to impress women, drink a scotch for look, and tell women how men are superior.

6. Get a girl younger than you:

Because this shows all the other ladies that you have a big snake.

and when you can’t get one even if she’s drunk… order in:

7. Show off your car like it were your dick:

It’s either gramps with the “looks-like-new” car from the 60’s, or Chim Richelds with the blinged out, subwoofer the size of the trunk, rims to your hips, Lamborghini doors, rice rocket - take your pick.

8. Stare constantly… and get caught doing it.

Don’t underestimate the value of the stare. This technique makes you a sleaze even if you disregard all the other options.

9. Fitness:

Either be really in shape or really out of shape… no in-between.

10. “The Pick Up Artist,” or that guy Mystery, is your savior:

This guy is the sleaziest man on the planet. He has a show on television teaching men how to pick up women. He has a book titled “The Mystery Method” that will be your new bible. Not only are his tips correct, but they are sleazy as hell, definitely a good pick for any guy.

“Cock: Not your Average Superhero” indeeeed.

“Hancock” as It’s called is a new action movie / spoof of the rising genre of comic superheroes. Will Smith plays the role of Hancock who is supposedly an alcoholic, doesn’t-care-about-anyone, no-real-reason-to-live, version of Superman. This is what I understand from the previews at least.

Being a fan of Comics, and some of the comic based movies, I was originally somewhat excited to see this movie (I guess the trailers sold me — atleast the whole alcoholic superhero gimmick did). However, being that the character is not based off a real comic book character, and seems to be an excuse to have a black superhero (aside from Samuel L. as Nick Cage), I probably won’t see this movie. The only real chance this movie has is if it stays in the comedic direction. Will Smith is better in funny roles and as long as he and this movie don’t take themselves too seriously, it might be worth watching.

One upside is that Charlize Theron is in the movie. Although she doesn’t tend to choose great roles, she is fun to stare at.

IMDB - Hancock

Official Site

The Perfect Fit (Playboy, non-nude)

When most men grow out a mustache it is either a trial run, a lost bet, or an attempt to look like their father. However, the result in most cases ends up being a gross, inevitably creepy, patch of hair above their lip. However, there are some that are able to not only wear a mustache, but leave it there for a majority of their life. Granted, mustaches occasionally become stylish like in the 80’s, for god knows why, but this does not excuse the people lasting their entire careers with a mustache. Here is my list of 20 men who I would not know what they looked like without a lip beard - I should note, I excluded totalitarians like Adolf Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini because they aren’t as fun.

1. Ron Jeremy

Ron Jeremy (born on March 12, 1953) is an American pornographic actor currently residing in Long Island, New York, United States. Nicknamed “The Hedgehog” and “Baobab-man”, he was ranked by AVN Magazine at #1 in their “100 Top Porn Stars of All Time” list.Jeremy has also appeared in non-pornographic films with studios such as Troma Entertainment.

2. Tom Selleck

Thomas William Selleck (born January 29, 1945 in Detroit, Michigan) is a Golden Globe and Emmy Award winning American actor, screenwriter and film producer, best known for his starring role on the long-running television show Magnum P.I. He is recognizable by his 6′4″ height and trademark moustache.

3. Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris (born Carlos Ray Norris Jr.; March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, action star and television and film actor who is known for action roles such as Cordell “Cord” Walker on Walker, Texas Ranger, his training with Bruce Lee and for his iconically tough image and roundhouse kick.

4. Hulk Hogan

Terry Gene Bollea (born August 11, 1953), better known by his ring name Hulk Hogan, is an American actor, semi-retired professional wrestler, and former rock bassist. He currently stars on the VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best and is the new co-host of American Gladiators on NBC.

5. Sam Elliot

Samuel Pack Elliott (born August 9, 1944) is an American actor. In films, he is often characterized by his rangy physique, thick horseshoe mustache and gruff speaking voice.

6. Burt Reynolds

Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr. (born February 11, 1936) is an American actor. Some of his memorable roles include Lewis Medlock in Deliverance, Paul Crewe in the original version of The Longest Yard, Bo ‘Bandit’ Darville in Smokey and the Bandit, J.J. McClure in The Cannonball Run and Jack Horner in Boogie Nights.

7. Carl Weathers - aka. Apollo Creed

Carl Weathers (born January 14, 1948) is an American actor, as well as former professional football player in the United States and Canada. He is best known for his role as Apollo Creed in the Rocky series of films, as well as his role in the first Predator movie.

8. Ted Nugent

Theodore “Ted” Nugent (born December 13, 1948) (a.k.a. The Nuge and The Motor City Madman) is an American hard rock guitarist and vocalist from Detroit, Michigan. He originally gained fame as the lead guitarist of The Amboy Dukes. He is noted for his conservative political views and his vocal pro-hunting and Second Amendment activism.

9. Wilford Brimley

Allen Wilford Brimley (born September 27, 1934) is an American actor.

Brimley also starred on Walker: Texas Ranger, alongside Chuck Norris

10. The Mario Brothers

Mario Bros. is an arcade game made by Nintendo, released in 1983 and later ported to many home systems. It was a spin-off of the Donkey Kong series, and heavily influenced by Joust. It was the first game to feature Mario’s name in the title. It was also the debut of Mario’s brother, Luigi. Unlike Donkey Kong, where he was a carpenter, in this game Mario became a plumber, exterminating pests that emerge from pipes.

11. Robert Goulet

Robert Gerard Goulet (November 26, 1933 – October 30, 2007) was a Canadian Grammy- and Tony Award- winning entertainer. He rose to international stardom in 1960 as Lancelot in Lerner and Loewe’s hit Broadway musical Camelot. His long career as a singer and actor encompassed theatre, radio, television and film

12. Snoop Dogg

Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr. (born October 20, 1972), better known by his stage name Snoop Dogg (previously Snoop Doggy Dogg), is a Grammy Award-nominated American rapper, singer, record producer, and actor. Snoop is best known as an MC in the West Coast hip hop scene, and for being one of producer Dr. Dre’s most notable protégés. His catch phrase is “-izzle,” a slang term developed by Oakland, California rap group 3X Krazy in the mid-1990s and popularized primarily by fellow Bay Area rapper E-40.

13. Geraldo Rivera

Gerald Michael Rivera (born July 4, 1943), known by his television name of Geraldo Rivera or simply Geraldo, is an American performance artist, attorney, and former talk show host. He is known to have an affinity for dramatic, high-profile stories, and issues that are divisive in nature. Rivera hosts the newsmagazine program Geraldo at Large, and appears regularly on Fox News Channel.

14. Reginald VelJohnson - aka. “Carl Winslow” or Police Officer “Al” from Die Hard

Reginald VelJohnson (born Reginald Vel Johnson; August 16, 1952) is an American film, stage and television actor best known for his role as Carl Winslow on the sitcom Family Matters and as LAPD Sgt. Al Powell in the hit film Die Hard (1988) and the sequel Die Hard 2 (1990).

15. Sgt. Floyd Pepper - Bass player from the Muppet Show

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem was the name of the Muppet rock band and house band of the The Muppet Show. Following The Muppet Show, they appeared in various Muppet movies and television specials, and have also recorded album tracks. Dr. Teeth was designed by Jim Henson, while the rest of the original band members were designed by Michael K. Frith. They performed the song “Can You Picture That?” in the 1979 film The Muppet Movie.

16. Jesse “The Body” Ventura - Professional Wrestler or That Guy from Predator

Jesse Ventura (born July 15, 1951 as James George Janos), also known as “The Body”, “The Star”, and “The Governing Body”, is an American politician, retired professional wrestler, Navy UDT veteran, actor, and former radio and television talk show host. He was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2004. He is also a former co-holder of the AWA World tag team title with Adrian Adonis.

17. Larry Bird - I admit, it’s hard to see, but it’s there (just a bit blonde).

Larry Bird (born Lawrence Joseph Bird on December 7, 1956) is a retired American NBA basketball player, widely considered one of the best players of all time, and one of the best clutch performers in the history of sports.

18. Wade Boggs

Wade Anthony Boggs (born June 15, 1958 in Omaha, Nebraska) is a former third baseman in Major League Baseball, primarily with the Boston Red Sox. His hitting in the 1980s and 1990s made him a perennial contender for American League batting titles, in much the same way as his National League contemporary Tony Gwynn.

19. Joe Namath

(born May 31, 1943, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania), also known as Broadway Joe, is a former American football quarterback. He played for the University of Alabama under legendary coach Paul “Bear” Bryant and his assistant, Howard Schnellenberger, from 1962–1964, and in the American Football League and National Football League during the 1960s and 1970s.

20. Ned Flanders

Nedward “Ned” Flanders is a recurring character in the animated television series The Simpsons. He is voiced by Harry Shearer, and first appeared in the 1989 series premiere “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”. He is the next door neighbor to the Simpson family and is generally loathed by Homer Simpson.

*I’m sure I missed a bunch so feel free to add more in the comments below.

**Bios are from wikipedia.org

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In addition, there are videos that either involve Porn, make fun of porn and sex, or funny sex related videos. Similar to Conan O’Briens brief segments of Walker: Texas Ranger (starring Chuck Norris), I find the quick segments of bad acting in porn the most humorous. Unfortunately I do not have a huge stash of bad porn to work from here, so I have been forced to search the web for funny sex related clips. Here are some I’ve found.

How bout you play like a hoover on my ding-dong!

You want me to suck your cock? Dirty my knees? Cum all over my face? And pay you ten bucks?

- Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes!

I’m going to lunch, FUCK YOU!

We’ve got these garter snakes… I guess you don”t have too many snakes in Hungary…

Foreign commercial

I thought you said I was too pretty to do that?

Yea but look at you, you’ve got no makeup, your hairs a mess, you’re a skank!

Sometimes personal calls, really are, personal.

This exact thing just happened to me… I would do this sorta thing.

I’m Alive!

Who needs foreplay when you’re jacking off?

Japanese girls puking in eachothers mouths!

Now lets get some Beast-y-alityy!

Let’s get some Brazilian Fart Porn in there!

Only a woman, can touch me theerrrree. All I ask is that you’re a womaaaaaan!

Ron Jeremy - 2 Girls 1 Cup Reaction (look up the actual video online)

Those are NOT American girls!

The “Watch Scene” in Pulp Fiction

Joe Dirt - Soldering Iron 1

Joe Dirt - Soldering Iron 2

Feng in Balls of Fury

SNL - “More Cowbell”

Dancing with Lawrence Fishburn in “King of New York”

Random Character - “Illuminata”

Dancing to Fatboy Slim